Insomnia

The worst part of not being able to sleep is the feeling of being left behind. I hate being the last one to bed and the last one up in the morning, but without some sort of routine or purpose in my life, it's rather hard to stick to a sleep schedule. So I end up going to bed too late and waking up at 11 still feeling tired but also too guilty to sleep any longer. After taking sleeping prescriptions for the last year so that I could function as a grad student, I decided to quit all sleep drugs. I had no idea I was so addicted to them. It took weeks before I could sleep through the night, and then I had a wave of nightmares and dreams all night long. I still can't sleep without waking up several times a night, but it is getting better, and I don't have to induce a drug-like coma to get some rest.

I am racked with indecision over my life. Yes, I need purpose, but the thought of getting a real professional job is so terrifying that I feel relieved with every rejection letter I receive. I feel like grad school has left me with complete mental exhaustion. Some days the thought of being a housewife is very inviting. Do a bit of cleaning and cooking, run some errands and call it a week. Unfortunately, all the days seem to blur together with no distinctions to separate the weeks. No more TGIF for me. I suppose my biggest fear of getting a job is not knowing how to do the work. I suppose most jobs offer some sort of training, but I've only ever had internships and positions where training is clearly offered. Do all jobs give some sort of training? Even at the professional level? I hope so.

I'm in love!!

And amazingly busy with school, writing my thesis, and finishing my research, and everything else...sooo yeah, back to it.

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Oh my Goodness!! I leave for my honeymoon in a few hours!!!!!

Thanksgiving week

I just finished taking my cat on a very long walk around the condo complex, and I must admit, she is so well trained. I firmly believe any animal can be trained, which is why my neighbor's lack of control over their dog annoys me even more. My cat is infinitely better trained than their dog. I took Miikka (my cat) with me to work the other day. She loves car rides when she can sit on my lap and look out the window. When we got to school she curled up on a shelf in my office and took a nap, it's nice to have feline company when spending the weekend at school.

My family will be here on Tuesday for Thanksgiving! It's fun hosting it, though a lot of work in terms of cleaning and cooking. But well worth it to see my family, esp since I don't have time to travel anywhere since I am tied down with my research. I think we may go up to the mountains and play in the snow since my brother doesn't get much snow in Texas.

Lately we have been trying to live a much more frugal lifestyle. We buy all store-brand on-sale items, and for the first time ever I attempted to use coupons at the grocery store. We've managed to cut our grocery bill in half, and almost entirely cut out recreational spending. It's kind of fun being thrifty. This way we can save up for things that matter, like vacations and one day a boat (once we no longer live in the desert).

I'd just like to say I'm so incredibly thankful that I married Aaron: someone who is as hard working, loyal, and supportive as they can get.

Crazy? Maybe.

I have been alternately hyped up and incredibly tired these last few weeks. Unfortunately, they always seem to be out of order as I am awake at night and dead tired in the morning. Whenever I start to feel more energetic than usual I start worrying I'm suffering from manic depression or some form of psychosis, but, like my mom always says--"If you think you're crazy, you're probably OK. It's only when you feel fine that you have to worry."

Things that have been bothering me lately:

1. The dust around the baseboards near my bed. Who wants to wake up face to face with grim every morning? (Because I sleep on the floor)

2. Lack of imaginative healthy meals. I get so angry when I see families on TV eating green beans with dinner--Why didn't I think to include them?? I have been trying harder, but making 1 item for dinner is enough work, it's hard to include sides too. My most common side dish is sliced bananas and strawberries, but I'm suffering from a lack of greens. When I was an undergrad I got the vegetarian special every day for lunch which was always delicious, healthy, and imaginative for $5.95. I never thought I'd miss college food...

3. My extreme test apathy. Test on Thursday, but come on--Dancing with the Stars is on, can't miss that. I think it's time for me to finish school and find a job which doesn't require working 80 hours a week. I would love to come home after 8 hours of work, cook a healthy dinner complete with a side of green beans and slivered almonds, and then clean the dust boards and wake up to a dustless floor in my face. Yeah.

Oh-and I've been taking my cat on lots of walks lately. She does really well in her harness and leash, though I do get a number of odd stares. Between that and searching for preying mantid egg masses at night by the light of my headlamp on the condo walls, I think others must think I'm suffering from some form of psychosis. And who knows, maybe I am after all.

Ready to go!

Well, I did write a post awhile back, but it was accidentally deleted and I was so disgusted with my lost effort that I have not been able to write another. But enough time has passed and here I am again!

Let's see--What is going on in California? Record breaking heat and wildfires. You know, the usual. It's been almost 100F lately, and I am a bit disgusted by it all. The wildfires are still 20 miles away, so no need to worry about being burned by anything other than the never ending scorching sun.

We are now less than 1 month away from our honeymoon!! Soon we will be enjoying all the comforts a third world country has to offer, like mosquitoes and vampire bats. But we are fully vaccinated and laden down with anti-malarials and antibiotics so we should be healthy enough. I can hardly stand to wait any longer, I'm ready to go now. It'll be interesting to have Christmas in summer, though I imagine it may even remind me of Houston X-mas weather.

Who needs a life?

The peace of summer has been shattered. Classes have started again so campus is now crawling with undergraduates on their skateboards and scooters, flying by and threatening to knock me off the sidewalk. What ever happened to walking? I suppose I can stand it since the start of school means of end of summer and all the horribly hot dry weather that has gone along with it. It was actually wonderfully cool this weekend which was blissful after the 100F+ weather we had this past week. I'm really hoping I can leave this place without ever suffering through another 105 kind of day.

School is horrible busy already. I'm taking what I believe to be my hardest class yet and ever, as well as analyzing the results from my summer research, finishing one project up, starting a new research project and somehow trying to get it all written up while TAing a class and participating in 100 hours of outreach service. I hate to write it all down in a list like that because it makes it seems that much more impossible to complete in 8 months!

I am consoling myself by making a cake and drinking sparkling grape juice since I am no longer allowed to drink alcohol with my medication. Blah, sometimes a glass of wine in the evening is just what I need.

I spent my entire weekend collecting insects, which is so enjoyable it hardly feels like work, and in turn makes me feel a bit guilty, even though this is vital work that much get done. Oh guilt, when will you ever leave me be?!

PS-As of yesterday, all my family in Houston now has power. Yah Electricity!